Oh bb. *hugs* I'm glad the day got better, but I'm sorry it was shitty to start with! I... I know that feel rather well, the sudden dysphoria after after some time of wondering, and ages of feeling fairly happy with being femme and feminine and female. And I'm so sorry your mum makes you wear skirts to church, omg, that sounds awful in that kind of dysphoric phase.
(And I don't mean "phase" as in "oh, it's just a phase". Just, the way that you used to feel perfectly comfortable with femininity & now not so much, sounds very familiar, and in my experience - though of course yours may be different - that dysphoria comes and goes. (Which is why I call myself genderfluid between genderqueer & female, when I'm being really accurate.))
The whole questioning your gender identity and genderqueer thing and all of that really is so very confusing. Particularly since there's so little resources or support to be expected from much of mainstream society. If it helps, it's perfectly valid to just try on the label for a bit to see if it fits. Or to feel absolutely comfortable with one label for years and then decide it doesn't fit anymore. Or to have multiple, even contradictory labels (are you familiar with yaygender.net?) Or to make your entire rlist be part of your confusion by writing long navel-gazey posts on the subject. (Like I did.) Or to refuse all labels. (Or to be so confused you just throw up your hands in disgust and fail out of the whole thing because it's too brain-hurty. That was me for a long time, too, tbh.)
Do you have a fairly reliable deadline for how long you'll still be living at home? The first thing I did once I turned 18 & went to work at my grandparents' for two months was cut my hair short. It was much easier away from the influence & immediate freak-out of my father. (Though I also have a supportive mum & siblings, which helps a lot when I'm at home.) Point being if you know you'll be away in, say, a year or two, the added dysphoria of not being able to dress how you want to may be easier to bear because you know it's not permanent/long-term.
IDK about the US, but here so-called "boyfriend cut" jeans are/were fairly popular recently? So that might work for a way to sneak boyish clothing past your mum. As for binders, IDK how much better they'll work than sports bras - better, certainly, but ime they don't completely flatten your chest either. :/ For me, they work best with an undershirt+a loose unisex t-shirt on top, but ymmv. If you have a way to buy stuff online without your mum's involvement, I bought a couple binders from a seller from China (or Taiwan?) on ebay recently and I'm really happy with them. They're fairly comfortable and super-cheap (like, 10$, and not all that much extra shipping) and can totally pass as just an undershirt/tank top and they're easy to undo surreptitiously/without taking everything off if breathing does get too difficult. (I can't figure out how to find them on my phone rn because ebay is being a pain, but I'll add the link tomorrow when I'm at a computer with internet.)
*huuuuugs* I'm always available to talk if you want/need to. Skype or email or What's App - whatever works best for you, I'll PM you my deets.
(The way you described the difference between the pain of the blister and the pain of the cramps, btw, is SO ACCURATE and SO WELL PUT. I've always tried to put to words why the former kind of pain - the pain of having done something - is so much less painful than the pain of period cramps, but I've never managed it to my satisfaction. This, though, is great.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2013-12-17 08:15 pm (UTC)(And I don't mean "phase" as in "oh, it's just a phase". Just, the way that you used to feel perfectly comfortable with femininity & now not so much, sounds very familiar, and in my experience - though of course yours may be different - that dysphoria comes and goes. (Which is why I call myself genderfluid between genderqueer & female, when I'm being really accurate.))
The whole questioning your gender identity and genderqueer thing and all of that really is so very confusing. Particularly since there's so little resources or support to be expected from much of mainstream society. If it helps, it's perfectly valid to just try on the label for a bit to see if it fits. Or to feel absolutely comfortable with one label for years and then decide it doesn't fit anymore. Or to have multiple, even contradictory labels (are you familiar with yaygender.net?) Or to make your entire rlist be part of your confusion by writing long navel-gazey posts on the subject. (Like I did.) Or to refuse all labels. (Or to be so confused you just throw up your hands in disgust and fail out of the whole thing because it's too brain-hurty. That was me for a long time, too, tbh.)
Do you have a fairly reliable deadline for how long you'll still be living at home? The first thing I did once I turned 18 & went to work at my grandparents' for two months was cut my hair short. It was much easier away from the influence & immediate freak-out of my father. (Though I also have a supportive mum & siblings, which helps a lot when I'm at home.) Point being if you know you'll be away in, say, a year or two, the added dysphoria of not being able to dress how you want to may be easier to bear because you know it's not permanent/long-term.
IDK about the US, but here so-called "boyfriend cut" jeans are/were fairly popular recently? So that might work for a way to sneak boyish clothing past your mum. As for binders, IDK how much better they'll work than sports bras - better, certainly, but ime they don't completely flatten your chest either. :/ For me, they work best with an undershirt+a loose unisex t-shirt on top, but ymmv. If you have a way to buy stuff online without your mum's involvement, I bought a couple binders from a seller from China (or Taiwan?) on ebay recently and I'm really happy with them. They're fairly comfortable and super-cheap (like, 10$, and not all that much extra shipping) and can totally pass as just an undershirt/tank top and they're easy to undo surreptitiously/without taking everything off if breathing does get too difficult. (I can't figure out how to find them on my phone rn because ebay is being a pain, but I'll add the link tomorrow when I'm at a computer with internet.)
*huuuuugs* I'm always available to talk if you want/need to. Skype or email or What's App - whatever works best for you, I'll PM you my deets.
(The way you described the difference between the pain of the blister and the pain of the cramps, btw, is SO ACCURATE and SO WELL PUT. I've always tried to put to words why the former kind of pain - the pain of having done something - is so much less painful than the pain of period cramps, but I've never managed it to my satisfaction. This, though, is great.)