infiniteandsmall

 Almost didn't get anything done tonight, then pulled my shit together at seven and did everything but the hour of math that's on my dailies habitRPG thing, mostly because I have a paper due tomorrow night that I need to start tonight. Productivity is going to become a thing, I'm determined about that.

My barn's finally getting the arena roof fixed, so there will be a. no lessons b. no place for boarders to ride. I saw in at the boarders' meeting and oh god, the quiet despair. It was hilarious. I was half expected Pancake (who is our problem boarder) to stand up and start hollering about how this was going to ruin her horse, which would be a pretty typical reaction, but she just put her head in her hands very dramatically and made loud breathing noises. In the meantime, I am only going to be working five hours a week, which is EHHHH because I need money to buy a car/get insurance by next year and I don't think I'm even close. At least I have the five hours, one of the other grooms won't be getting any and she needs them to pay for her school tuition. :/ 

Also I am mad about Jared Leto winning the stupid Oscar or whatever (my sister has an intense crush on Leonardo DiCaprio and has been livetexting the Oscars at me). I am listening to Fall Out Boy because of this. Very punk rock (tries to hold pokerface but cannot). 

Also cannot decide if I should sign up for the Homestuck Shipping World Cup. I want to but I don't know if I can/if I will have enough time. Gaaaaah.

 Currently in the same pajamas I've been wearing all day, wrapped in a blanket. *sneezes irritably* This is my second cold in the space of two months and I am SO DONE. I am also SO DONE with the weather. At first it was like OMG IT'S SEVEN OUTSIDE OH SHIT CANCEL LESSONS MAKE SURE YOU BREAK ALL THE ICE ON THE WATER BUCKETS OMG DOUBLE BLANKETS FOR EVERYONE BREAK OUT THE SPACE HEATERS and now it's like meh it's seven degrees at least it's not minus thirteen do I really need the second pair of gloves. But still it's tiring and it wears on you and everyone has cabin fever, the horses have cabin fever and so in the past week I have been dumped off by Mr. Prancy Arabian, who I am riding while his owner is in Florida for the winter, had a twenty-eight year old pony-camp pony take off bucking and flat out galloping and trying to run off on the lunge line ("Fia's going skiing" as my instructor put it), and nearly been devoured by my friend's temperamental and bored-out-of-his-mind gelding.

I haven't written anything in a month. It's terrifying. I want to, but I don't want to, but I can't, but I don't have thoughts, but I have too many thoughts...to add to that is the fact that I haven't really done anything this for at least two months. I had been doing pretty at good at productive piano practice for at least an hour a day, and then I'd usually end up fooling around at least another half hour, but lately I've been getting in fifteen minutes of fiddling with poppy-type songs or replaying old arrangments of poppy-type songs, or homestuck music or whatever. I think my piano teacher is getting frusterated with me toqh. I'm pretty sure my French teacher is too because lately I've been such a crappy student but I haven't been studying much and when I do it's just half-hearted and not sticking, which I'm not used to because usually things come very easily, especially language related stuff! I've been turning in things that have deadlines that I will fail if I do not turn in at the deadline and that is it. I don't even really want to eat or dick around on the internet and that is when you know it's bad. Objectively I know that it is depression or some kind of mental thing because idk I just fit like all the symptoms and this has happened before. I don't think it's my nature to be lazy and sad and numb and fucked up, I don't think, but I just can't get away from thinking that it's my fault and I'm lazy and dumb and will never get anywhere and am wasting my life and will continue to waste my life and maybe it is in your nature and it will never change??? 

But I've been lying around a lot listening to music, which is marginally more comfortable then lying around listening to music used to be because my friend gave me her old iPod when she got at update at Christmas. I realized that I had never actually listened to The Opheliac Companion (way back in the day no one had uploaded it to youtube and I cried many a tear of fangirl sweat and blood over that), so for at least a week I bribed myself into getting up by saying that if I did I could listen to one track of the Opheliac Companion, and it was definitely  worth it. It made me think about one the things I admire about myself is (weirdly enough) the relationship I have with Emilie Autumn as a fan??? Which sounds fucking bizarre and is something for a whole 'nother post but the tl;dr version is that considering that she saved my life time and time and time again and was and still is vital to my understanding of myself as a queer mentally ill afab person my fan relationship with her (weirdweirdweird omg) is pretty healthy and naunced and stuff. 
Then I started to listen to all the old poppunk I used to listen to omg again a whole 'nother post.

And then the movies I've watched on my iPod AGAIN A WHOLE 'NOTHER POST. Pacific Rim, Iron Man 3, Frozen, Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and then I am going to watch Thor 2. I also watched 21 Jump Street at my friends' urging it was kinda hilarious I have to admit. Also a lot gayer than I expected which was fine with me, and, as I then snapchatted to to people who made me watch it, IT WAS FILMED WHEN CHANNING TATUM HAD A NECK therefore I finally got why people find him attractive. I then sent a second snapchat which expressed my suspicion that Channing Tatum had sold his neck to the illuminati (or as we have meme'd it, the illuminate). I still think this is a plausible theory. 

 Got the cold from hell that's been going around my barn New Years Night. Shivered/sweated with a fever for three days during which I did not want to eat or go on the internet. It was serious. Did not write, did not read, did not practice piano or do anything productive, basically. If this was a sign of how 2014 is going to go I might as well turn into a rock right now. The only thing I did was send people snapchats from my new iPod (okay not really new it has had two previous owner and was given to me by a friend after she got an upgrade for Christmas, but still. It's in very good shape and I love it), and wow snapchat is stupid but addicting and resulted in me and one of my friends reenacting Ke$ha videos with stuffed animals for at least at hour.

Still feeling kinda sick and have a couch that sounds like hacking up a lung, so I was pretty glad lesson got cancelled today due to cold and I was off grooming duty. Miss the money, did not miss coughing my way through the night and probably leaving my poor junior groom to do more than her share of the work. 

Also I signed up for HabitRPG, which looks really interesting and like it just might be very useful. 

Also during winter break I went and saw Frozen and also spent a lot of time listening to Angel Haze's Dirty Gold and being SO UPSET because it was SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD I. I want to write posts about both of them.

 This is the most hilarious thing I have seen this week and I don't even know why it's so funny I just. the best part is the Fall Out Boy one at number 137 IT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE and it's great. I have reread this list every time I feel sad this week and it puts me in an awesome mood this dude should seriously write a music critique column I would read it. HE'S SO MAD ABOUT THINGS.

I had a private lesson on the new lease horse, Skippy, with the barn owner/head instructor. It went...pretty okay? It definitely wasn't my best ride and it wasn't the best I can do but I was trying my best, if that makes sense? We did lounging before because she wanted to see how I could do with lounging, and it got kind of long so he was tired by the time I started riding. I've never really been formally taught to lounge, so I got a few tips, but I did fine with him. He's a little friskier than the schoolies, but it was fine. I wasn't really scared and I knew that I could calm him down, so it didn't bother me, and if you're not scared than they're like well ok this is stupid let's stop being dumb. He got a treat after and I cleaned his buckets and filled them with warm water. Then I hung out with the groom and junior groom tonight. The groom's my age and really awesome, she's the other leaser for Skip and likes dressing in full camouflage. The junior groom tonight was filled in for the usual one, he's a very sassy twelve year old who reminds me of a little Warbler Trent, gels his hair and is VERY CAREFUL WITH IT, and was for some reason singing "The Holly and the Ivy" and trying to do the splits in the middle of the aisle today.

( Also for some reason today my mom accused me and my sister of stealing three hundred dollars from her and got all pissed off when we denied it. )

So one of the horses at my barn died yesterday.

( And so many emotions lately I'm not used to this )

      ( Glee season 5 spoilers ) 
( Writing and stuff )

( And thank you so much! )

The fastest way to make a roomful of horsey teenage girls jealous: poke your head in the lunch room door and go, “WE’RE GOING TO VALLEY TACK!” Watch everyone flip their shit. Repeat anytime you can get someone to drive your forty-five minutes out, where you can stare longingly at all the beautiful saddles and bridles and buckets and show clothes and polo wraps and tall boots and expensive brushes and then get down to finding what you need.

( New tack and possible horse to ride! )

 

( Homestuck and Project Runway squee, Glee fic and Blaine and Kurt as horseback riders )( Music and the Sochi Olympics )

It's been a rough week, for me, and for most people, I think. Between the news and fandom and personal life, I've been trying to listen to country music/hang out at the barn/write happy fanfic and stick a sort of emotional bandaid over everything for the week. Now that the weekend's approaching, I'm read to have a good cry and just mope around in general. I'm too lazy to post any of the fanfic (extremely fluffy John/Dave I'm sure you await with bated breath), so here are two posts I've seen on DW for anyone who needs distraction and/or a place to vent.

A place for distraction and happy things

A place to vent/cry/flail/whatever

     Happy Forth of July, all Americans! I'm here for the fireworks and sparklers (there were both last night and it was excellent). I must have partied harder than I thought, though, because I woke up in different pants than I had gone to bed in and found my pants and a shampoo bottle floating in the water in our bathroom sink. All of my family said they didn't do it, and I have no memory of changing pants, filling the sink with water, and putting my pants in them. I guess there are worse things to do while sleepwalking?

    I love going to the barn on holidays. No lesson kids, and we all go and exercise the school horses in the back and play country music (Darius Rucker's cover of "Wagon Wheel" featuring the lady from Lady Antebellum is pretty awesome and I'm obsessed with it right now). Got to ride Timmy, who is my fave little yellow quarter horse ever. He was really stiff, though he got a little better after I did some bending exercises. I wish I could lease him but he's used in too many lessons. I really want to find a horse to ride, or at least start riding consistently more than once a week. 

     There's a couple possibilities, though, so I'm hoping that maybe I'll have a horse to lease by the end of summer, and that I could maybe show in intermediate at the fall schooling show. I just want a pony to hang out with and take on trail rides and buy ridiculously expensive treats for and brag but then...money. *sigh*

     I've been listening to country music a lot, like I always do during summer. It's my musical equivalent of comfort food, and it always puts me in a better mood, even in winter. When I was about ten and my mom was upset with my friend's mom because of her involvement with Holy Love Shrine even after the bishop told Catholics that they weren't allowed to take part in services there, me and my best friend would call each other every day and play country music over the phone and talk about our favorite songs. It's always been music for friendships and good times since then, and even though there are occasional gross moments (Accidental Racist? And I usually love Brad Paisley's music, but that song, as well as I'm Still a Guy which is just as obnoxious as it sounds, is kind of unlistenable), I find the cliches of trucks and muddy roads and hard-partying country boys to be charming when they show up, which isn't as often as you'd think (trucks are totally to country music what references to putting one's hands up or clubbing in any way are to pop music).

     Also I found an orchestra version of "Sburban Jungle" from Homestuck, and I know I'll be obsessed with it after I get over Wagon Wheel. It has awesome brass parts, and personally between "Thrift Shop," "Can't Hold Us," "212," and "Little Talks," I think everyone should just accept that brass should be used way more than it is (in pop music at least) because it's pretty fucking awesome. 

 As happy as I am about the death of DOMA and Prop 8, it meant I had to sit through a sermon about how America is going downhill and gay marriage is child abuse and now I just really want to either sleep or get caught up on Teen Wolf, but I'm still raging.

( Caps lock ON )
Cough. 

Also, MTV, please get episodes two and three of Teen Wolf working please and thank you. Also that locker room scene at the start of 3.04 was PERFECT. STILES. SCOTT. DANNY. Have a threesome that's a good way to lose one's virginity amiright?