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infiniteandsmallOkay it wasn't totally unexpected I've been mulling over it for like three months? Kinda?? But idk at some point it was really unexpected
I've worked every day this week, I just have tomorrow night and then I'm off until Sunday but will still be going down to the barn for fun stuff like riding/hanging with friends/the barn christmas party. Yesterday I was filling in for the usual groom, one of my really good friends who I don't get to see a lot was the junior groom, so it was really fun, and then while I was finishing up cleaning a saddle my lease horse's owner came into the lunch room and said, "hey, do you want to ride Skip? I hurt my knee and I can't." So I got to ride him and ended up getting home at seven ready to drop.
Today was a little rougher, while I was getting ready to leave I started getting really bad period cramps. Which, sigh, I generally do not get my period, it just does not happen, but it was the second one I'd had in less then three weeks and I was very done, but as they got worse the weird gender dysphoria that had been lurking around since I put on the third sports bra rose up and was just...a lot. And it all feels so strange because for a while I considered myself to be pretty firmly a girl, like that was my identity and sometimes I even liked to present pretty femme. But lately I haven't been polishing my nails and I can't stand wearing any of my more feminine pairs of earrings and when my mom makes me wear skirts to church it's less omg-these-are-annoying and more OMG-WHAT-WHY-THIS-ISN'T~RIGHT~. I wrote a post on vacation that was partly about glee and party me messing around with the idea of possibly being genderqueer, but it's so daunting and confusing and I don't know where to start but my skin doesn't feel comfortable some day and I want my hair short but I know my mom would kill me, I want my boy's clothes again, not baggy jeans that are feminine, mom jeans, but baggy jeans that don't show the hint of hips, and I want a binder so so so bad I'm sick of wearing so many bras and still being able to see boob. Thank god I am tiny-chested and look pretty much like a prepubescent boy as it is. I took some painkillers and found myself scratching at my chest hard enough to rip the skin and was like oh great now I have to go into work like this. At this point my stomach was cramping and now my chest and boob area was throbbing and my feet and legs did not register and my hands were spacing in and out of my brain list of "things that will work" and everything was kind of miserable.
But then I had a riding lesson and I have a blister on one third finger but not on the other because Spike was leaning into my hand more on the one side, and that blister belongs on my skin and it burns a little but the burn is not the burn of -this is not my body this is something strange and foreign and what am I doing in this- it is the burn of -you are human and you have skin and this skin encompasses your mind and also your heart and also your nerves and it can be molded it can be changed but you you are the mind you are thoughts you are electrical impulses- and it is comforting.
Tl;dr today was WEIRD AS FUCK and kinda terrible and then it got better
I've worked every day this week, I just have tomorrow night and then I'm off until Sunday but will still be going down to the barn for fun stuff like riding/hanging with friends/the barn christmas party. Yesterday I was filling in for the usual groom, one of my really good friends who I don't get to see a lot was the junior groom, so it was really fun, and then while I was finishing up cleaning a saddle my lease horse's owner came into the lunch room and said, "hey, do you want to ride Skip? I hurt my knee and I can't." So I got to ride him and ended up getting home at seven ready to drop.
Today was a little rougher, while I was getting ready to leave I started getting really bad period cramps. Which, sigh, I generally do not get my period, it just does not happen, but it was the second one I'd had in less then three weeks and I was very done, but as they got worse the weird gender dysphoria that had been lurking around since I put on the third sports bra rose up and was just...a lot. And it all feels so strange because for a while I considered myself to be pretty firmly a girl, like that was my identity and sometimes I even liked to present pretty femme. But lately I haven't been polishing my nails and I can't stand wearing any of my more feminine pairs of earrings and when my mom makes me wear skirts to church it's less omg-these-are-annoying and more OMG-WHAT-WHY-THIS-ISN'T~RIGHT~. I wrote a post on vacation that was partly about glee and party me messing around with the idea of possibly being genderqueer, but it's so daunting and confusing and I don't know where to start but my skin doesn't feel comfortable some day and I want my hair short but I know my mom would kill me, I want my boy's clothes again, not baggy jeans that are feminine, mom jeans, but baggy jeans that don't show the hint of hips, and I want a binder so so so bad I'm sick of wearing so many bras and still being able to see boob. Thank god I am tiny-chested and look pretty much like a prepubescent boy as it is. I took some painkillers and found myself scratching at my chest hard enough to rip the skin and was like oh great now I have to go into work like this. At this point my stomach was cramping and now my chest and boob area was throbbing and my feet and legs did not register and my hands were spacing in and out of my brain list of "things that will work" and everything was kind of miserable.
But then I had a riding lesson and I have a blister on one third finger but not on the other because Spike was leaning into my hand more on the one side, and that blister belongs on my skin and it burns a little but the burn is not the burn of -this is not my body this is something strange and foreign and what am I doing in this- it is the burn of -you are human and you have skin and this skin encompasses your mind and also your heart and also your nerves and it can be molded it can be changed but you you are the mind you are thoughts you are electrical impulses- and it is comforting.
Tl;dr today was WEIRD AS FUCK and kinda terrible and then it got better
no subject
Date: 2013-12-17 08:18 pm (UTC)