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infiniteandsmall Currently in the same pajamas I've been wearing all day, wrapped in a blanket. *sneezes irritably* This is my second cold in the space of two months and I am SO DONE. I am also SO DONE with the weather. At first it was like OMG IT'S SEVEN OUTSIDE OH SHIT CANCEL LESSONS MAKE SURE YOU BREAK ALL THE ICE ON THE WATER BUCKETS OMG DOUBLE BLANKETS FOR EVERYONE BREAK OUT THE SPACE HEATERS and now it's like meh it's seven degrees at least it's not minus thirteen do I really need the second pair of gloves. But still it's tiring and it wears on you and everyone has cabin fever, the horses have cabin fever and so in the past week I have been dumped off by Mr. Prancy Arabian, who I am riding while his owner is in Florida for the winter, had a twenty-eight year old pony-camp pony take off bucking and flat out galloping and trying to run off on the lunge line ("Fia's going skiing" as my instructor put it), and nearly been devoured by my friend's temperamental and bored-out-of-his-mind gelding.
I haven't written anything in a month. It's terrifying. I want to, but I don't want to, but I can't, but I don't have thoughts, but I have too many thoughts...to add to that is the fact that I haven't really done anything this for at least two months. I had been doing pretty at good at productive piano practice for at least an hour a day, and then I'd usually end up fooling around at least another half hour, but lately I've been getting in fifteen minutes of fiddling with poppy-type songs or replaying old arrangments of poppy-type songs, or homestuck music or whatever. I think my piano teacher is getting frusterated with me toqh. I'm pretty sure my French teacher is too because lately I've been such a crappy student but I haven't been studying much and when I do it's just half-hearted and not sticking, which I'm not used to because usually things come very easily, especially language related stuff! I've been turning in things that have deadlines that I will fail if I do not turn in at the deadline and that is it. I don't even really want to eat or dick around on the internet and that is when you know it's bad. Objectively I know that it is depression or some kind of mental thing because idk I just fit like all the symptoms and this has happened before. I don't think it's my nature to be lazy and sad and numb and fucked up, I don't think, but I just can't get away from thinking that it's my fault and I'm lazy and dumb and will never get anywhere and am wasting my life and will continue to waste my life and maybe it is in your nature and it will never change???
But I've been lying around a lot listening to music, which is marginally more comfortable then lying around listening to music used to be because my friend gave me her old iPod when she got at update at Christmas. I realized that I had never actually listened to The Opheliac Companion (way back in the day no one had uploaded it to youtube and I cried many a tear of fangirl sweat and blood over that), so for at least a week I bribed myself into getting up by saying that if I did I could listen to one track of the Opheliac Companion, and it was definitely worth it. It made me think about one the things I admire about myself is (weirdly enough) the relationship I have with Emilie Autumn as a fan??? Which sounds fucking bizarre and is something for a whole 'nother post but the tl;dr version is that considering that she saved my life time and time and time again and was and still is vital to my understanding of myself as a queer mentally ill afab person my fan relationship with her (weirdweirdweird omg) is pretty healthy and naunced and stuff.
Then I started to listen to all the old poppunk I used to listen to omg again a whole 'nother post.
And then the movies I've watched on my iPod AGAIN A WHOLE 'NOTHER POST. Pacific Rim, Iron Man 3, Frozen, Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and then I am going to watch Thor 2. I also watched 21 Jump Street at my friends' urging it was kinda hilarious I have to admit. Also a lot gayer than I expected which was fine with me, and, as I then snapchatted to to people who made me watch it, IT WAS FILMED WHEN CHANNING TATUM HAD A NECK therefore I finally got why people find him attractive. I then sent a second snapchat which expressed my suspicion that Channing Tatum had sold his neck to the illuminati (or as we have meme'd it, the illuminate). I still think this is a plausible theory.
I haven't written anything in a month. It's terrifying. I want to, but I don't want to, but I can't, but I don't have thoughts, but I have too many thoughts...to add to that is the fact that I haven't really done anything this for at least two months. I had been doing pretty at good at productive piano practice for at least an hour a day, and then I'd usually end up fooling around at least another half hour, but lately I've been getting in fifteen minutes of fiddling with poppy-type songs or replaying old arrangments of poppy-type songs, or homestuck music or whatever. I think my piano teacher is getting frusterated with me toqh. I'm pretty sure my French teacher is too because lately I've been such a crappy student but I haven't been studying much and when I do it's just half-hearted and not sticking, which I'm not used to because usually things come very easily, especially language related stuff! I've been turning in things that have deadlines that I will fail if I do not turn in at the deadline and that is it. I don't even really want to eat or dick around on the internet and that is when you know it's bad. Objectively I know that it is depression or some kind of mental thing because idk I just fit like all the symptoms and this has happened before. I don't think it's my nature to be lazy and sad and numb and fucked up, I don't think, but I just can't get away from thinking that it's my fault and I'm lazy and dumb and will never get anywhere and am wasting my life and will continue to waste my life and maybe it is in your nature and it will never change???
But I've been lying around a lot listening to music, which is marginally more comfortable then lying around listening to music used to be because my friend gave me her old iPod when she got at update at Christmas. I realized that I had never actually listened to The Opheliac Companion (way back in the day no one had uploaded it to youtube and I cried many a tear of fangirl sweat and blood over that), so for at least a week I bribed myself into getting up by saying that if I did I could listen to one track of the Opheliac Companion, and it was definitely worth it. It made me think about one the things I admire about myself is (weirdly enough) the relationship I have with Emilie Autumn as a fan??? Which sounds fucking bizarre and is something for a whole 'nother post but the tl;dr version is that considering that she saved my life time and time and time again and was and still is vital to my understanding of myself as a queer mentally ill afab person my fan relationship with her (weirdweirdweird omg) is pretty healthy and naunced and stuff.
Then I started to listen to all the old poppunk I used to listen to omg again a whole 'nother post.
And then the movies I've watched on my iPod AGAIN A WHOLE 'NOTHER POST. Pacific Rim, Iron Man 3, Frozen, Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and then I am going to watch Thor 2. I also watched 21 Jump Street at my friends' urging it was kinda hilarious I have to admit. Also a lot gayer than I expected which was fine with me, and, as I then snapchatted to to people who made me watch it, IT WAS FILMED WHEN CHANNING TATUM HAD A NECK therefore I finally got why people find him attractive. I then sent a second snapchat which expressed my suspicion that Channing Tatum had sold his neck to the illuminati (or as we have meme'd it, the illuminate). I still think this is a plausible theory.
no subject
Date: 2014-02-14 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-02-14 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-02-14 07:09 am (UTC)<3 I know that doesn't help with being more productive, but just know that it's NOT you, and it's not a reflection on your character. Brains happen, sometimes unfortunately. ;)
no subject
Date: 2014-02-19 05:29 pm (UTC)