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Aug. 27th, 2013 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
infiniteandsmall I had a pretty great birthday weekend. I slept over with two of my friends from the barn and then we went to the beach (I didn't even get sunburned!). Then yesterday night I went out with most of my best friend, who I've known since I was really little, and we were basically ridiculous at Applebees and then ridiculous at my house. We always end up wrestling, which I like more than most people who know me would suspect. I got a really soft hoodie and money for a few private lessons. I also might be getting a phone, and I'm aiming for a smart one so I could use tumblr/youtube/listen to music, but I don't think that's going to happen.
I kind of don't know what to do. My mom was snooping through my room while I was gone and took one of my notebooks. I don't know how much I wrote in it, it was mostly for fanfic, but I'm pretty sure it outed me. Plus it had all my fandoms and OTPs in there, so I'm worried she'll tell my dad about it and he'll block all websites that have anything about them. I couldn't watch Glee when it starts up, I couldn't read Homestuck....I dunno. It's kind of scary. I'm also worried that all gay websites will get blocked, and here, and I won't be able to talk to anyone. I feel like I also might have mentioned a crush I had on one of the girls at the barn, and then they won't let me talk to her or leave me alone at the barn. Plus all my music websites are blocked (even though I don't remember mentioning those, either), so now I can't listen to music. And the ones I used were kind of the last resort because even before most of them were blocked. I just want to kick over a chair right now. I know that being all BUT I'M SEVENTEEN is stupid because she just doesn't want me to be involved with this shit no matter how old I am, and I can kind of see where she's coming from.
I mean, when you think gay people are the devil and everyone should be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY all the time and you are scared when there are large storms in comedic movies it would make sense that you wouldn't want your daughter to be told that you're not going to hell if you're gay and that people who say that are wrong and writing stories in which people die or are stalked by monsters. But at the same time. I'M SEVENTEEN. I'm seventeen and if people hadn't told me that I wasn't wrong for being gay I would be dead right now, but she would say that I'm being overdramatic and maybe I am but it feels like I would be because I've come close enough without being thinking that there's a part of me that's twisted and evil and demented.
I don't want to confront her about it because a. you cannot beat me at conflict avoidance I am simply the best there is, and b. I spend all day at home, and usually she's at home, and I've seen the way she treats my younger sister I do NOT want to be treated like that I don't want to be spending all day with her pissed off at me and plus I'm worried she won't let me have as much time to do school and then recover from doing school and I need good grades. I just have no idea what to do and I kind of want to just sit in a little ball and cry but I have to work and do life stuff so welp.
Also she's been making all these passive-aggressive comments and at one point said something like "you waste all day writing this crap" and this is kind of stupid because I'm all ~offended~ that she called my writing crap which is REALLY VERY STUPID. I mean a. she doesn't read anything but her Nutrition Action, b. it's about gay couples and witchcraft of course she would hate it and c. it is kind of crappy and that notebook had pretty much all the crappiest most self-indulgent shit but still. The thing is: there were parts where it was really self-indulgent and terrible, yes, but those parts were the ones where I was trying to be honest and I could feel a little crack opening up in my chest and letting things out and of course it's going to be so clumsy and awkward and dumb at first but I felt like I'd ascended to something and that with a bit of work that could get better, like I'd reached another level, because my piano teacher's always telling me to be more emotional and I know I let atmosphere take the place of emotion in my writing because it's so much easier, but now that crack's closing up and I can't do it because IT'S CRAPPY IT'S CRAPPY THIS IS STUPID and then I get pissed and can't write at all. And I'm serious about this. I want to be a good writer. I want it so badly, like I want to be a good rider and a good pianist and I know I can't be either, not really good, not noteworthy, but sometimes I feel like I could be GOOD at writing.
And then it's like welp nope.
tl;dr: I don't even know man.
You can emerge now the feelings are over.
This is seriously worse than the skin problems so done with being a teenager.
Roxy/Calliope 5eva MY HEART.
That is it.
Well not really also DIRKJAKE ("Did you shave your legs?" "The little poofy asshole pants" "is that really what you're wearing right now" "yeah" "sweet!"). And Jane and the cat JANE COME BACK BB. Also the part about how Jake talks I snorted. John Egbert is so cute and am I the only other one who finds it weird that the only people to go grimdark are Jade and Rose (and maybe Jane? Though I think she's just been brainwashed by Crockertech). Not even sure what that says but none of the beta boys went grimdark and none of the alpha kids so I don't know. Just some thoughts there.
I kind of don't know what to do. My mom was snooping through my room while I was gone and took one of my notebooks. I don't know how much I wrote in it, it was mostly for fanfic, but I'm pretty sure it outed me. Plus it had all my fandoms and OTPs in there, so I'm worried she'll tell my dad about it and he'll block all websites that have anything about them. I couldn't watch Glee when it starts up, I couldn't read Homestuck....I dunno. It's kind of scary. I'm also worried that all gay websites will get blocked, and here, and I won't be able to talk to anyone. I feel like I also might have mentioned a crush I had on one of the girls at the barn, and then they won't let me talk to her or leave me alone at the barn. Plus all my music websites are blocked (even though I don't remember mentioning those, either), so now I can't listen to music. And the ones I used were kind of the last resort because even before most of them were blocked. I just want to kick over a chair right now. I know that being all BUT I'M SEVENTEEN is stupid because she just doesn't want me to be involved with this shit no matter how old I am, and I can kind of see where she's coming from.
I mean, when you think gay people are the devil and everyone should be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY all the time and you are scared when there are large storms in comedic movies it would make sense that you wouldn't want your daughter to be told that you're not going to hell if you're gay and that people who say that are wrong and writing stories in which people die or are stalked by monsters. But at the same time. I'M SEVENTEEN. I'm seventeen and if people hadn't told me that I wasn't wrong for being gay I would be dead right now, but she would say that I'm being overdramatic and maybe I am but it feels like I would be because I've come close enough without being thinking that there's a part of me that's twisted and evil and demented.
I don't want to confront her about it because a. you cannot beat me at conflict avoidance I am simply the best there is, and b. I spend all day at home, and usually she's at home, and I've seen the way she treats my younger sister I do NOT want to be treated like that I don't want to be spending all day with her pissed off at me and plus I'm worried she won't let me have as much time to do school and then recover from doing school and I need good grades. I just have no idea what to do and I kind of want to just sit in a little ball and cry but I have to work and do life stuff so welp.
Also she's been making all these passive-aggressive comments and at one point said something like "you waste all day writing this crap" and this is kind of stupid because I'm all ~offended~ that she called my writing crap which is REALLY VERY STUPID. I mean a. she doesn't read anything but her Nutrition Action, b. it's about gay couples and witchcraft of course she would hate it and c. it is kind of crappy and that notebook had pretty much all the crappiest most self-indulgent shit but still. The thing is: there were parts where it was really self-indulgent and terrible, yes, but those parts were the ones where I was trying to be honest and I could feel a little crack opening up in my chest and letting things out and of course it's going to be so clumsy and awkward and dumb at first but I felt like I'd ascended to something and that with a bit of work that could get better, like I'd reached another level, because my piano teacher's always telling me to be more emotional and I know I let atmosphere take the place of emotion in my writing because it's so much easier, but now that crack's closing up and I can't do it because IT'S CRAPPY IT'S CRAPPY THIS IS STUPID and then I get pissed and can't write at all. And I'm serious about this. I want to be a good writer. I want it so badly, like I want to be a good rider and a good pianist and I know I can't be either, not really good, not noteworthy, but sometimes I feel like I could be GOOD at writing.
And then it's like welp nope.
tl;dr: I don't even know man.
You can emerge now the feelings are over.
This is seriously worse than the skin problems so done with being a teenager.
Roxy/Calliope 5eva MY HEART.
That is it.
Well not really also DIRKJAKE ("Did you shave your legs?" "The little poofy asshole pants" "is that really what you're wearing right now" "yeah" "sweet!"). And Jane and the cat JANE COME BACK BB. Also the part about how Jake talks I snorted. John Egbert is so cute and am I the only other one who finds it weird that the only people to go grimdark are Jade and Rose (and maybe Jane? Though I think she's just been brainwashed by Crockertech). Not even sure what that says but none of the beta boys went grimdark and none of the alpha kids so I don't know. Just some thoughts there.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-27 08:54 pm (UTC)Maybe depending on what you wrote in the journal you could twist it in such a way so that your mum's ok with it. Idk, like saying it's your way of exorcising your demons or just mention teenage angst that you don't want anyone else to have to deal with so you don't write it out in your own PRIVATE *hint hint* journals... idk, make yourself look grownup and mature and like what you're writing is something she can approve of in some way. Idk how exactly you could do that. But a few months ago (... or, actually, over a year ago, holy shit) I was talking to my father and got to the point of fanfiction and all the time I spend online and I managed to paint it in such a way that he actually didn't disapprove. It's point number 3 in this entry. I don't know whether that will be of any help to you, but it helped me survive my father's Disapproval with my sanity (reasonably :P) intact.
Music sites blocked: what, why??! And could you perhaps get around it by downloading music via torrents instead?
All that aside, I'm glad you had such a lovely birthday! ♥ Wrestling: something that's always sounded like a lot of fun but I've never had occasion to try it. Most of my friends are rather a lot smaller and more delicate than me. ^^;;;
♥♥♥
no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 04:02 am (UTC)Thanks you! That's a good idea. If she confronts me I'll try that. I've said something sort of like that in the past but just kind of hinted at it.
Most torrent sites are blocked under file sharing, but I have some of my favorite songs downloaded to my computer already. I also like listening to homestuck music and I can still use bandcamp.
I'm definitely the tallest of my friends but they can hold their own. Plus I'm pretty clumsy and end up falling over giggling but I like touching people because I usually don't and wrestling is a nice way to do that because there's nothing really ~sexual~ or ~why is she suddenly cuddling me~ about it.
Thanks so much for the kind words! <3
no subject
Date: 2013-08-28 03:59 am (UTC)This is probably of limited help, but maybe it will do you some good to remember that everyone's writing is crap when they start. This is not just fannish writing; published authors say this too. And the only way to get better is to keep writing - some people think of it as clearing the crap out of the way, so the good stuff can come out, and other people think of it like building muscles, lifting little things that make you think "Oh, what's the point," but that lead to lifting big things (or running longer distances, or whatever).
Hang in there! And hey, you're seventeen! That means eighteen comes next, and (legal) adulthood! I forget if you've said what your plans are, or if you've made plans, but hopefully those plans unfold or more options open up for you in the not-too-distant future.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 04:11 am (UTC)Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself. There was a poem somewhat to that effect by jjhunter that showed up on my reading page the other day, and it hit me right where I needed it, and I want to be able to do that too. It was a really strangely but wonderfully cyclical moment.
I'm planning on going to school to become a therapist's assistant. It'll take only four years to earn, and then I can be paying the bills and hopefully have sometime for writing and music. Long term I'd kind of like to also train to be a therapeutic riding instructor. My mom wants me to go local for college but I don't know.
Thanks so much for the encouragement! I've been counting down the time to being a legal adult for a while and now it seems pretty much tolerable to wait just a little more. :)
no subject
Date: 2013-08-28 06:00 pm (UTC)On a lighter note, happy birthday. :3
no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 09:23 pm (UTC)And thank you for the birthday wishes!
no subject
Date: 2013-08-28 11:24 pm (UTC)OMGWTFBBQ. She goes through your stuff?
I suppose if she really thought about gay=evil, then maybe she's trying to look out for you, but that's not even real. (And it's not all Christians. I'm episcopal, and we don't believe that.) (Not to mention the people who think that are being incorrectly literal, and even if they wanted to be literal, then they aren't literal enough. Sorry, sore subject.)
I'm so sorry you don't have a lot of places to go to for support.
What year are you in school? College soon?
no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 11:52 pm (UTC)I really want to go to some kind of Christian church that's friendly towards gays. Don't think I could go permanently just because I'm an agnostic and I don't think I'd be comfortable spending much time in a church just because of what church has always been associated with to me. But it really helps to know that there are Christians out there who are kind and openminded. :)
I'm a junior and my mom definitely believes that all kids should go to college, so I'll be starting somewhere in two years. Trying to get a good scholarship so that I could maybe afford to go away. Don't know if it'll happen or not, but hey, it's a nice thought.
And thanks for the birthday wishes! :)
no subject
Date: 2013-08-30 02:06 am (UTC)AFAIK, episcopal, lutheran, maybe methodist are all inclusive, not exclusive. And if you can't go permanently, whatever, it's for you.
I hope you can get a scholarship. You know, there are all sorts of weird ones in the depths of the counselor's drawers. And there are a lot of schools that do horse stuff (our local A&M has a horse riding/judging team that I'm sure they do some scholarships for.
You're welcome.