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Aug. 27th, 2013 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
infiniteandsmall I had a pretty great birthday weekend. I slept over with two of my friends from the barn and then we went to the beach (I didn't even get sunburned!). Then yesterday night I went out with most of my best friend, who I've known since I was really little, and we were basically ridiculous at Applebees and then ridiculous at my house. We always end up wrestling, which I like more than most people who know me would suspect. I got a really soft hoodie and money for a few private lessons. I also might be getting a phone, and I'm aiming for a smart one so I could use tumblr/youtube/listen to music, but I don't think that's going to happen.
I kind of don't know what to do. My mom was snooping through my room while I was gone and took one of my notebooks. I don't know how much I wrote in it, it was mostly for fanfic, but I'm pretty sure it outed me. Plus it had all my fandoms and OTPs in there, so I'm worried she'll tell my dad about it and he'll block all websites that have anything about them. I couldn't watch Glee when it starts up, I couldn't read Homestuck....I dunno. It's kind of scary. I'm also worried that all gay websites will get blocked, and here, and I won't be able to talk to anyone. I feel like I also might have mentioned a crush I had on one of the girls at the barn, and then they won't let me talk to her or leave me alone at the barn. Plus all my music websites are blocked (even though I don't remember mentioning those, either), so now I can't listen to music. And the ones I used were kind of the last resort because even before most of them were blocked. I just want to kick over a chair right now. I know that being all BUT I'M SEVENTEEN is stupid because she just doesn't want me to be involved with this shit no matter how old I am, and I can kind of see where she's coming from.
I mean, when you think gay people are the devil and everyone should be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY all the time and you are scared when there are large storms in comedic movies it would make sense that you wouldn't want your daughter to be told that you're not going to hell if you're gay and that people who say that are wrong and writing stories in which people die or are stalked by monsters. But at the same time. I'M SEVENTEEN. I'm seventeen and if people hadn't told me that I wasn't wrong for being gay I would be dead right now, but she would say that I'm being overdramatic and maybe I am but it feels like I would be because I've come close enough without being thinking that there's a part of me that's twisted and evil and demented.
I don't want to confront her about it because a. you cannot beat me at conflict avoidance I am simply the best there is, and b. I spend all day at home, and usually she's at home, and I've seen the way she treats my younger sister I do NOT want to be treated like that I don't want to be spending all day with her pissed off at me and plus I'm worried she won't let me have as much time to do school and then recover from doing school and I need good grades. I just have no idea what to do and I kind of want to just sit in a little ball and cry but I have to work and do life stuff so welp.
Also she's been making all these passive-aggressive comments and at one point said something like "you waste all day writing this crap" and this is kind of stupid because I'm all ~offended~ that she called my writing crap which is REALLY VERY STUPID. I mean a. she doesn't read anything but her Nutrition Action, b. it's about gay couples and witchcraft of course she would hate it and c. it is kind of crappy and that notebook had pretty much all the crappiest most self-indulgent shit but still. The thing is: there were parts where it was really self-indulgent and terrible, yes, but those parts were the ones where I was trying to be honest and I could feel a little crack opening up in my chest and letting things out and of course it's going to be so clumsy and awkward and dumb at first but I felt like I'd ascended to something and that with a bit of work that could get better, like I'd reached another level, because my piano teacher's always telling me to be more emotional and I know I let atmosphere take the place of emotion in my writing because it's so much easier, but now that crack's closing up and I can't do it because IT'S CRAPPY IT'S CRAPPY THIS IS STUPID and then I get pissed and can't write at all. And I'm serious about this. I want to be a good writer. I want it so badly, like I want to be a good rider and a good pianist and I know I can't be either, not really good, not noteworthy, but sometimes I feel like I could be GOOD at writing.
And then it's like welp nope.
tl;dr: I don't even know man.
You can emerge now the feelings are over.
This is seriously worse than the skin problems so done with being a teenager.
Roxy/Calliope 5eva MY HEART.
That is it.
Well not really also DIRKJAKE ("Did you shave your legs?" "The little poofy asshole pants" "is that really what you're wearing right now" "yeah" "sweet!"). And Jane and the cat JANE COME BACK BB. Also the part about how Jake talks I snorted. John Egbert is so cute and am I the only other one who finds it weird that the only people to go grimdark are Jade and Rose (and maybe Jane? Though I think she's just been brainwashed by Crockertech). Not even sure what that says but none of the beta boys went grimdark and none of the alpha kids so I don't know. Just some thoughts there.
I kind of don't know what to do. My mom was snooping through my room while I was gone and took one of my notebooks. I don't know how much I wrote in it, it was mostly for fanfic, but I'm pretty sure it outed me. Plus it had all my fandoms and OTPs in there, so I'm worried she'll tell my dad about it and he'll block all websites that have anything about them. I couldn't watch Glee when it starts up, I couldn't read Homestuck....I dunno. It's kind of scary. I'm also worried that all gay websites will get blocked, and here, and I won't be able to talk to anyone. I feel like I also might have mentioned a crush I had on one of the girls at the barn, and then they won't let me talk to her or leave me alone at the barn. Plus all my music websites are blocked (even though I don't remember mentioning those, either), so now I can't listen to music. And the ones I used were kind of the last resort because even before most of them were blocked. I just want to kick over a chair right now. I know that being all BUT I'M SEVENTEEN is stupid because she just doesn't want me to be involved with this shit no matter how old I am, and I can kind of see where she's coming from.
I mean, when you think gay people are the devil and everyone should be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY all the time and you are scared when there are large storms in comedic movies it would make sense that you wouldn't want your daughter to be told that you're not going to hell if you're gay and that people who say that are wrong and writing stories in which people die or are stalked by monsters. But at the same time. I'M SEVENTEEN. I'm seventeen and if people hadn't told me that I wasn't wrong for being gay I would be dead right now, but she would say that I'm being overdramatic and maybe I am but it feels like I would be because I've come close enough without being thinking that there's a part of me that's twisted and evil and demented.
I don't want to confront her about it because a. you cannot beat me at conflict avoidance I am simply the best there is, and b. I spend all day at home, and usually she's at home, and I've seen the way she treats my younger sister I do NOT want to be treated like that I don't want to be spending all day with her pissed off at me and plus I'm worried she won't let me have as much time to do school and then recover from doing school and I need good grades. I just have no idea what to do and I kind of want to just sit in a little ball and cry but I have to work and do life stuff so welp.
Also she's been making all these passive-aggressive comments and at one point said something like "you waste all day writing this crap" and this is kind of stupid because I'm all ~offended~ that she called my writing crap which is REALLY VERY STUPID. I mean a. she doesn't read anything but her Nutrition Action, b. it's about gay couples and witchcraft of course she would hate it and c. it is kind of crappy and that notebook had pretty much all the crappiest most self-indulgent shit but still. The thing is: there were parts where it was really self-indulgent and terrible, yes, but those parts were the ones where I was trying to be honest and I could feel a little crack opening up in my chest and letting things out and of course it's going to be so clumsy and awkward and dumb at first but I felt like I'd ascended to something and that with a bit of work that could get better, like I'd reached another level, because my piano teacher's always telling me to be more emotional and I know I let atmosphere take the place of emotion in my writing because it's so much easier, but now that crack's closing up and I can't do it because IT'S CRAPPY IT'S CRAPPY THIS IS STUPID and then I get pissed and can't write at all. And I'm serious about this. I want to be a good writer. I want it so badly, like I want to be a good rider and a good pianist and I know I can't be either, not really good, not noteworthy, but sometimes I feel like I could be GOOD at writing.
And then it's like welp nope.
tl;dr: I don't even know man.
You can emerge now the feelings are over.
This is seriously worse than the skin problems so done with being a teenager.
Roxy/Calliope 5eva MY HEART.
That is it.
Well not really also DIRKJAKE ("Did you shave your legs?" "The little poofy asshole pants" "is that really what you're wearing right now" "yeah" "sweet!"). And Jane and the cat JANE COME BACK BB. Also the part about how Jake talks I snorted. John Egbert is so cute and am I the only other one who finds it weird that the only people to go grimdark are Jade and Rose (and maybe Jane? Though I think she's just been brainwashed by Crockertech). Not even sure what that says but none of the beta boys went grimdark and none of the alpha kids so I don't know. Just some thoughts there.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-29 04:11 am (UTC)Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself. There was a poem somewhat to that effect by jjhunter that showed up on my reading page the other day, and it hit me right where I needed it, and I want to be able to do that too. It was a really strangely but wonderfully cyclical moment.
I'm planning on going to school to become a therapist's assistant. It'll take only four years to earn, and then I can be paying the bills and hopefully have sometime for writing and music. Long term I'd kind of like to also train to be a therapeutic riding instructor. My mom wants me to go local for college but I don't know.
Thanks so much for the encouragement! I've been counting down the time to being a legal adult for a while and now it seems pretty much tolerable to wait just a little more. :)